Currently in crisis mode.
I'm currently unemployed. I had an an interview today for a receptionist role at an accounting firm. So I dressed myself in my interview clothes, paying great attention to covering my tattoos. This outfit included a shirt (that covered my tiny chest tattoo) a skirt with tights/stockings (which covered my calf tattoo) and a cardigan (that covered my inner arm tattoo).
Not only did THIS make me feel like I was hiding myself, I also redyed my hair. My amazing, beautiful bright red hair was to be covered with dark brown (to be warn down to cover my wacky ear piercings) to prepare myself to look slightly normal for this interview. However once I'd gotten to the interview, I noticed I still had my black nail varnish on. Whoops.
I'm having such a dilemma. My parents are very British. When I got my first tiny little ink, my parents flipped. Every time I came home with a new piercing I was proud of, my parents wouldn't be happy at all, even if it made me happy.
Ever since something really significant happened in my life in 2008, I've had a hard time making decisions. I went to Auckland University of Technology in Auckland, New Zealand to study Event Management because I love live concerts and music events, so I wanted to do those.
Now, a year and a half since this significant event, I'm doubting every ability I've ever had. I just want the space to be myself. I want a job where I can show the ink I've gotten to remember and help heal my pain and to remind myself I can do whatever I set my mind too. I want to stand out from the crowd with stupidly bright hair. I want to pain my nails black and wear eyeliner.
I hate the thought of being stuck in a suit for the rest of my life not being able to express myself.
I love ink. I love ink so much that looking at beautiful art placed on peoples bodies forever makes me happy. I love piercings. I love piercings so much that when I feel stressed, I know I can get a piercing and feel the release of adrenaline.
I love the aftermath of the ink burning and the metal lying in my skin. It makes me feel human.
So should I deny myself of my human need?
I have the opportunity to get myself in [more] debt and become a piercer. This could be something that I can do, showing my ink and metal, surrounded by people like myself who are proud to show off their beautiful art and body modifications.
Am I silly for continually changing my path? I can't decide. I can never decide.
Do it. If it is what your heart is on right now, do it. There isnt a right or wrong answer. There is a right now. And works right now, but not in the future, what does it matter. Really. i mean, Be happy darling, life is about making it work for you, not for anyone else.
ReplyDeletexo You know where I am if you need to talk.x o
Hi, I found your blog through Tillie's and I just wanted to say - Trust Yourself! Only bad people should make excuses for who they are, the rest of us should love ourselves enough to stop apologising. (I am trying!)
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a job that lets you shine out as the quirky, individual person you are!! :)